Not fitting in

So this past weekend was hubby's birthday he turned 28 years old. Wow I cant believe this was the 10th birthday that I spend with him! But how I still love him like the first day. So I didn't have that much money to do something big for him, or take him somewhere nice, and all he really wanted was to have a get together with his close friends, but everyone was pretty busy this weekend. So Leilani and I decided to bake him a cake and take him out for breakfast, and also got him a small gift. It turned out great! I think Leilani was more excited than him, but that's OK, that made him happy to know that his princess was happy for him. Then later we went to parents house for dinner and sang him happy birthday.

Well the next day one of his best friends wife texts me to see if we wanted to hang out, to kind of celebrate his birthday. I asked Eliott, he said yes, called up my mom to see if I could leave Leilani, dropped her off and we were out in a matter of 45 minutes. I called two other couple friend of ours to see if they wanted to come and they both said no, due to their responsibilities with their kids. Which I completely understand. My point to this is that as we were hanging out, I realize that I'm never at the same stage as any of my friends or his friends. Eliott and I were able to get up and leave pretty fast the house and our friends couldn't and a couple years back it was us that had a hard time getting up and leaving because we had a little one and no one had kids or they were way older. I always felt left out, kind of peer pressured( yes it can happen still), and lonely. Left out because I sometimes couldnt go to certain places, peered pressured because they would constantly tell me find a babysitter, or make comments like "when I have kids we are still going to go out" instead of understanding, and lonely because I had no one to relate. They were all married and christian, but none of them had kids, so they could get up and leave. So I distance myself for about a year an half from some of our closest friends. I focused on my family and as I did that all of my friends started to have kids. I taught this was great now finally we will have things in common. Wrong and Right at the same time, we do a little, now they understand, but I still feel awkward. Leilani is going to be four years old in two weeks and all of their kids are under one. So now I'm the one that has a little more flexibility and they don't. They are all into diapers, time schedules, and making baby food and I'm way past that. I cant help but feel lonely sometimes. Almost like I'm never going to get the right friends.

Lord please send me friends that are Christians, young like Eliott and I, and that have children Leilani's age. Love your daughter!

BABYSITTING!

Before Leilani was born I use to say I will still be able to go out and do things whenever I want. I have babysat for many people, they will surely do that for me! I have my mom, my sister, grandma, cousins, my best friend, and other friends. I will never have a problem finding any one to watch her. Not that I was going to constantly do that, but for date nights or weekend getaways with the hubbs, or even on a night out with friends! Well I was wrong, after I had her I found my self not wanting to leave her anywhere. She was so small and delicate, she was my little gift from God and I had to protect it. So I became very picky. I only starting leaving her on some occasions with my mom, then after three months and I went back to work and between my mom and grandma they would watch her. It wasn't that bad! I had my handful of people that I left her with, My mom being the main person, my sister, my grand ma only when I went to work, and my cousin because she had a daughter that Leilani loved playing with her. Well as time has passed by grandmas house was just not getting to be a good environment for her. My grandma is getting older, not as clean, my grandpa and her fight all the time, my two handicap uncles also live there and require lots of attention, and she was starting to feed her anything she wanted and I was getting tired of having to fight with her on a daily basis. So I took the step and stop ed working full time and only worked 1 day a week (on my moms day off). So that left weekends when I wanted to go out on dates. I still had three other people and I still did and do use my grandma in rare occasions:) I LOVE MY ABUELA! So don't think I don't, is just her ways are well a little different, lol. She is always willing and is there for me and my family! So for the past four years those are the people that I have constantly used for babysitting. And I am so THANKFUL for them! I have been able to trust them in never hurting my daughter, if they have to correct her they correct her in love, spoiling her (maybe a little to much, lol ) and most of all LOVING HER UNCONDITIONALLY! They have truly been a blessing in Leilani's life as well for Eliott and me. We love them!

So now what? Well four years later, almost. I cant believe my my baby is going to be four next month:'( I have came to that point again on this babysitting issue. Where I need to re evaluate who is watching her and to who's house is she going into. And this time is not because I'm just being a picky over protective mother, but now is on a spiritual level. For the past year I have realize that I have to be a gate keeper of my home and of my family. And yes that mean not being able to do certain things, watch certain things, and not even allow to go certain places. And for us the parents that might cause us not to be able to go on a date or hang out with friends because we don't have any where to leave daughter. As much as I can control what comes in and out of this house, I cant control what goes on in other peoples houses. And even though the people above are awesome and I love them. Their houses might not be OK for my daughter to be there alone. I have really been trying to teach Leilani to say something when she is somewhere and the kids of that house are watching something that we don't agree in this house and that she is not allow to watch or play a certain game. But she is still learning! And I know that the blood of Jesus is over her, but the devil is a lie yer and sneaky. So I will continue to pray for Leilani that she can become a strong young lady and love God and not the things of this world. And maybe I can pray that God will send me christian babysitters:)

So what are some ways that you ladies deal with babysitting issues? Any ideas? I still would love to have my date nights with the hubbs!

ABOUT ME: part 1

OK, I know there is a section for this to the left:) but i feel like I need to explain more about my self. The other day someone came up to me and said that they didn't want to come up to me because they felt nervous, I was like what? I'm the shy one here! And this is a person that I know for a while and our family's hang out some times and we are in the same circle of friends. So I was so confused. Then I started to think maybe I have a certain look on my face that keeps people from coming and talking to me or maybe I am way to quite, I don't know! But here is a little ABOUT ME, hope that this can help everyone at least a little bit=)

Name: Iris Griselle Perez- I'm a Jr. if you can call that to a girl, lol! My mom named me after herself and my middle name is from one of her cousins, she liked it so she picked it! :)

Birthday: December 17- Yes my birthday is a week before Christmas but I have been blessed with a family that always got me a birthday gift and Christmas, no matter how close it was to it!

Favorite color: Purple- Its a royal color and sometimes that's what I wish I was, but I know I am in his kingdom.

Favorite number: 7 or 3- Seven I don't know why I just like. And three, I always give my self three times to try something. (Even though I have overlooked that rule sometimes)

Siblings: 1- A little sister. And even though we are not to close right now, I love her with all my heart and she will always be my baby sister!

Martial Status: Married to an awesome man! I met my hubby 12 years ago when I was 15 years old. In an FCAT prep class, sophomore year. I didn't think anything of him, since at the time I liked another boy =) But then we became friends and started talking. I loved everything about him. He was so different than other guys. He was more mature, smart, and I loved that he was a talker (something that I am not). He stole my heart and we have been together ever since!

Children: 1- Leilani Sofia! She is truly a gift from God! She is everything I ever dreamed of....And hopefully soon we will be adding more little ones to the Perez family!

Love language: Acts of Service and Quality time- now this not only applies to my marriage relationship but also to my friendships. I've notice that many times I treat my friends the same way. Because that's how I want to be treated. I want to do things for them, help them out in any way that I can, be there for them, and spend time with them. So if you have notice me doing that that means I love you, lol! On the flip side when I am showing those acts of service and I feel like they are not being appreciated or return, then I tend to just stop and shy away from the person (don't judge me please, Im working on that!) I know everyone has their own love language that I have to take into consideration.

Best Friend: Taisha Marie Amaro- We met when we were both 14 years old and have stuck together ever since. She is such the opposite from me and that is what attracted me to her. I'm shy, she is outspoken; I'm short, she is tall; i like purple, she likes yellow; I'm an island girl, she is up north girl ( if that is even how you say it, lol ) But that's what makes our friendship so good. We have been through our ups and downs in life but still find our way back. We have also gone through seasons were we don't hang out as much because our seasons in life are just different and hard to go through them together, but our friendship never ends. I will never judge her or her me. I might not agree with some things with her and her with me, like parenting, work, wife life, etc. but that will not come between us.

My cousins have also been like best friends to me. I have know them my whole life and no one knows me better than them. They have seen the bad and the ugly in me and know my exact personality. We have lied for each other, told on each other, hung out together, had the best sleepovers, argued with each other, and now have play date with our kids, but at the end we love each other. And even though I don't hang out with them as much any more because we are in different seasons in life, when we see each other is like we just saw each other yesterday!

There are a couple of other people that I have consider my best friends. That I have trusted and have gotten attached too. But we are in one of those seasons in life that cause us not to be close right now. I do miss them and wish that they would know me enough to know ABOUT ME!

What is God telling me?

OK so I wanted to share something that happened to me yesterday! I was having one of my normal days; cleaning at the house, spending time with my Leilani, but not much time with God. I feel like I'm going to a dry season with him and I'm starting to hate it. OK so Leilani and me started to get a little bored at the house and decided to go to my parents house, on our way there I had to stop to get gas. As I swipe my card, It gets declined...Why? I was sure I had enough money in the account, I tried it again and was getting frustrated so I got in the car to leave, close my door and a woman comes by my side of the window, so I put the window a little bit down, enough where I can hear her. She ask me for money, and I tell her I'm sorry that I didn't have any, then she looks at me in a weird way looks in my car and ask me if I have a drivers license, WEIRD, huh! It must have been cause I had thrown my card backwards in the passengers seat. So I got a little freaked out so told her I had to go. So I go about my day, put gas in another gas station and it was fine, and go to my parents house, I turn on the TV and a movie had just started, so I left it there it was a romantic movie and all for romance:) Well the movie is about a cop that wins the lotto and gives half of his money to a waitress. And also gives money to homeless, people waiting in the subway, and other people, so on! The movie is really good, I watched the whole thing. I still go about my day, my parents invite me to 5 guys to eat, so we go! As I get down from my car I hear someone say, excuse me Miss? I don't turn around cause first I didn't know if he was talking to me and then I didn't want some guy trying to holla at me, but after the fifth time, I turn around and is a guy in an electric wheel chair and GUEST WHAT? He ask me for money! As I told him the same thing I didn't have any, It totally clicked to me that God was trying to tell me something. I walked in the store told my mom, but she didn't say much. I taught about it the whole time and couldn't wait till Eliott got home to tell him. Nothing like this has ever happened to me. I mean, two homeless or needy people asking me for money and a movie that talked about giving money away, What is this? I don't know what to think. I went home and asked God to speak to me about what happened and to clarify it! Could he be leading me to a homeless ministry, not me! That's one of Eliott's desire. What about giving some of my money away? Well Eliott does that about that sometimes! What is this? What is he trying to tell me? I've never felt like this before! So I go to sleep hopping that God would clarify this in a dream.

Well I have a dream! And the dream confuse me even more! The dream was, I was back in high school but not mine, another one; I was walking looking at my schedule seeing it what class was I suppose to go, when my pastor, PC, comes and tells me come Iris lets take a walk, he puts his arm around me and then we kind of start to fly. We get to the auditorium and seat down, he tells me that he wants me to go to Puerto Rico with him, I say to him " Are you sure, what about Eliott?" He tells me that he is already going, that all the hotels are full but he will make a way for me to stay at a motel close by. Then some worship music comes on and he closes his eyes. Some guys come in the auditorium and tell us if we wanted to watch the shuttle go of outside, but PC says no! I stay quite next to PC and I try to figure a way to tell him what happened to me the day before ( Which was what I talked about earlier in the blog). I start telling him, but he doesn't tell me anything. And that was it! What do I think now, how do I take this!

If any of you prophetic mamma's have any revelation, I would love your feedback's!

Behind the Smile!

Year 2010 was very difficult for many reasons; I lost friendships, there was some division in my family, lost my fist home, and the most hurtful has been trying for a year to get pregnant and not being able to achieve it:( Starting this year 2011 I decided that I was going to just seek God above all things and focus on my family and home. Well I think that has been going pretty good. I've set a schedule to help me achieve that, even if some days I still go a little backwards. But my desire to still have another baby is still very much in my heart. I decided at the beginning of this year that I was going to go to the doctor to get my self check out, just to make sure that there was nothing going on in my body. Well thank God there was nothing wrong, she just said that its just a timing issue. Well this is six months into the year and nothing. I cant help but get stressed out about it. Is something I think about all the time and it doesn't help that everyone around me is in their second, third, and even fourth kid. Not that I'm not happy for them because I am. But then it just makes me feel like there is something going on with me. This is so hard for me to even write since I am such a private person, I only tell these things to Eliott. I don't trust anyone else to talk about this, because I feel like if I tell one person five other people will know about it and I don't want them to think there is a problem with me and speak any negativity into my life and womb. But I've been so overwhelmed with this that I had to put it on paper(well computer).I've been wanting to be a wife and mother ever since I was a little girl. So when I got married that was my next step, to be a mom. Then two years later God blessed me with my beautiful little princess Leilani Sofia. She is my pride and joy, I love her so much! She makes me so happy and I have such a soft heart for her, that's why I sometimes let her get away with some things, lol! But I don't want her to be the only child, I want to be able to expand my love to other kids. Then there is the taught about adoption. I've always wanted to adopt. To be able to give a home and a family to a child that doesn't have one. So maybe that what God is calling of me and Eliott to do right now. But I cant help to feel sad about not having another one of my own right now. So what does God desire of me right now? That is what I have to figure out. I don't want to just dwell in my sadness and not seek him. So I ask please for you ladies to lift me up in prayer!

Friends & Parenting

So last night my wonderful friend Melany ask for some help in her Facebook page on what to do with her baby as far as how to put him to sleep, "should she rock him or let him cry it out?" I had no advice for her since I feel that I'm the worst at advices plus I don't have any other kids so I don't really know how to toggle between two or more kids. But that post reminded me of a long time ago when Leilani was a baby that I was with her at Melany's mother in laws house and Lani was having a hard time going to sleep, she took her to another room and sang and rocked her to sleep and just found out last night that she gave her kisses too, lol =) I so appreciated it back then and it made me think that I have not had any friends be like that with her ever (except you Taty but you are like family ). Of course my family is always willing to do things like that, probably a bit to much. But a friend never! Now I'm not a person that likes just any body to come and grab my daughter and take her, I only have a few friends that I would trust enough to do that, well had; lately I have not have any close friends at all, but anyways! I feel like all the friends that I've had or people that I know right now that are involve in my daughters life are not like that with her. There are not willing to go that extra step for her. Whether is caring her, babysitting, or convincing her that eating an apple is better than eating candy but still giving it to her any ways (with my permission of course, lol), just spoiling her a little. NEVER! I have actually lost friendships because of those reasons. They have thought that I should just say no or do things different. That she is just a kid and she needs to learn. So I feel kind of sad that I don't have any friends that are not going to judge my parenting skills, like in the past. That are going to support me and love my child unconditionally. That are going to understand that children are different and all parents have different parenting ways. I was so happy when I was reading some of the feed backs that some of the moms were giving my friend about her boy. I wish I had friends like that!

Dicipline oh no!

OK so yesterday after I took Lani outside to play with our neighbor for a while when we get inside to take a bath she says "NO" and I told her yes that she needed to obey, well she started to throw a fit. I knew she was really tired because she hadn't taken a nap and just got done playing in the heat for an hour or more, so I tried to be easy on her but my patience was running low. She had thrown a fit the day before with her dad and we decided that her punishment was going to be taking her favorite doll away for a day and then she did this again. Oh no! How this breaks my heart to have to spank her, but I did! I spank her, she was still crying and saying no. I was getting angry and going through my head was the words of some moms from the moms group telling another mom to up the spanking. It made me think that maybe I'm too soft and I also needed to do that. So I spanked her again and this time it really hurt her she grabbed her thigh and started telling me how much it hurt, I grabbed her out of the bath(because I was trying to give her a bath, I dont think it was such a good idea of my part) wrapped her up in her towel and loved on her. I felt so bad, almost convicted of what i did. Did I do it out of anger? Did I do it because I was trying to be like other moms? I don't know, all I know is that i thought about it all evening until Eliott got home and then I cried about it to him. I realize that I am not other moms and that if other moms want to only use that form of discipline that's them. I realize that to some moms or dads what maybe ok for me maybe not be ok for them. I will keep trying to do other forms of discipline with my child first. I prayed and ask God to forgive me for the wrong motive of my heart and I decided to do further studies on the subject. I found this good website dougbrittonbooks.com that had a good study on discipline based on the bible. For now this is what I got so far. Hope this can also help other moms struggling out there.