Behind the Smile!

Year 2010 was very difficult for many reasons; I lost friendships, there was some division in my family, lost my fist home, and the most hurtful has been trying for a year to get pregnant and not being able to achieve it:( Starting this year 2011 I decided that I was going to just seek God above all things and focus on my family and home. Well I think that has been going pretty good. I've set a schedule to help me achieve that, even if some days I still go a little backwards. But my desire to still have another baby is still very much in my heart. I decided at the beginning of this year that I was going to go to the doctor to get my self check out, just to make sure that there was nothing going on in my body. Well thank God there was nothing wrong, she just said that its just a timing issue. Well this is six months into the year and nothing. I cant help but get stressed out about it. Is something I think about all the time and it doesn't help that everyone around me is in their second, third, and even fourth kid. Not that I'm not happy for them because I am. But then it just makes me feel like there is something going on with me. This is so hard for me to even write since I am such a private person, I only tell these things to Eliott. I don't trust anyone else to talk about this, because I feel like if I tell one person five other people will know about it and I don't want them to think there is a problem with me and speak any negativity into my life and womb. But I've been so overwhelmed with this that I had to put it on paper(well computer).I've been wanting to be a wife and mother ever since I was a little girl. So when I got married that was my next step, to be a mom. Then two years later God blessed me with my beautiful little princess Leilani Sofia. She is my pride and joy, I love her so much! She makes me so happy and I have such a soft heart for her, that's why I sometimes let her get away with some things, lol! But I don't want her to be the only child, I want to be able to expand my love to other kids. Then there is the taught about adoption. I've always wanted to adopt. To be able to give a home and a family to a child that doesn't have one. So maybe that what God is calling of me and Eliott to do right now. But I cant help to feel sad about not having another one of my own right now. So what does God desire of me right now? That is what I have to figure out. I don't want to just dwell in my sadness and not seek him. So I ask please for you ladies to lift me up in prayer!